Book review: When the parents change everything changes by Paul Dix
Dr Ian Hopkinson, 2025-12-14
It turns out to be rather timely with the release of the Mossbourne Report, which featured a deliberate behavioural policy of teachers shouting at children in their care to instil “healthy fear”. Under the circumstances it is a bit difficult receiving the “don’t shout at your children” message from a teacher!
To be fair to Dix this book is an evolution of his earlier book When the adults change everything changes which is focussed on teachers and clearly represents an alternative view of behaviour policies at school. As a parent it is difficult to know which approach prevails in schools. It is clear that senior figures in DfE and Ofsted are proponents of what they call the “No Excuses” approach to behaviour, and it has many proponents in the media.
Returning to When the parents change it describes nine steps to changing your child’s behaviour in nine chapters, nearly all of it is about you as a parent.
- Emotional control
- Consistency - "How we do it here"
- Positive noticing
- Teaching new behaviour
- Rules and routines
- Mantras and scripts
- Wobbly Moments
- Proportionate consequences
- Restorative conversations
The core of the program is to be calm, consistent and relational. Emotional control is about more than not shouting at your child; it is about being calm at all times. Dix suggests not shouting for reasons of attracting attention – I think most households have a tradition of bellowing that FOOD IS READY from the bottom of the stairs. He suggests buying a bell for this purpose, Pavlovian training for families.
Consistency, “How we do it here” is about a household ethos, a phrase you actually use. An ethos is captured in simple three-word household “rules” like "kind, cooperative, calm". This strikes me as much more a motto than a rule. Rules are implemented as routines – for example the bedtime routine. I think the idea here is not so much the detail but the fact there is a motto you can return to in dealing with any situation.
Positive noticing is about commenting when, in behavioural terms, your child does something that you want – the tendency is that comments on behaviour are nearly always negative.
Wobbly Moments is about dealing with your child having a meltdown (stay with them, don’t say much). I found the proportionate consequences chapter interesting. Normally punishments are decided in the heat of the moment and quickly escalate to the maximum available – Dix talks about planning ahead what minimum punishment (consequence) will be effective. Restorative conversations are designed to restore relationships, after Wobbly Moments. Dix is another that recommends walking and talking or driving and talking as good ways to conduct these conversations.
The teaching origins of When the parents change show through quite strongly; many of the anecdotes are from his teaching experience – they are touching and insightful. In addition, the recommendations are highly structured – Dix has you writing down your rules and other elements of the programme. Although despite lengthy descriptions his view is that rules and routines can fit on a single page of A4. I can see this is necessary in a school environment, at home I’m not so sure. I am pretty organised but writing down my scripts, routines and rules for dealing with my child is probably further than I would go. Even if I did, I am unsure I could get buy-in from other adults in the household!
I wonder whether the act of writing down some of the things you expect of your child is the point, in writing you are forced to think through what has most likely been spur of the moment in the past and in writing you may realise that much of what you are asking is unreasonable, or it might focus you onto what you really want.
I plan on implementing some steps of the program; the not shouting part is easy – I have only done that a couple of times in my son’s 13 years and regretted it quite shortly thereafter. I will try not to shout, “FOOD IS READY!” from the bottom of the stairs too. Positive noticing I’ve tried out today!
When the parents change reminds me a bit of When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse by Dr Naomi Fisher and Eliza Fricker which is directed at children who are often described as “pathologically demand avoidant” (PDA). Fisher and Fricker provide some history and background to behaviour management, and their advice is for parents whose behaviour is rather more unmanageable than average. Both books focus on the importance of the emotional relationship with your child; Dix also talks about the Naughty Step not working.
I quite liked When the parents change, if nothing else it would enable you as a parent to fit in with the behavioural scheme that your child’s enlightened school are using. A feeling I had with both of these books is that I’ve left it all too late, my son is 13 now and we both feel set in our ways. However, in both When parents change and When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse a number of the anecdotes are around children of just this age.
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